Aslam

Praise be to Allah.

This is a problem that often happens. You are not alone in

your suffering. The root of the problem, in my view, is the fact that the

husband was not able to see his fiancée fully in the manner prescribed in

sharee’ah, by sitting with her – but not being alone with her, of course –

and looking closely at her and even asking to see her again at another time.

Yes, you made a great mistake when you felt put off by this

girl at the time of engagement but you went ahead with the marriage.  It

would have been better for you not to take a risk in such matters, because

the one who wants to get married should feel completely at ease with his

choice and not hesitant, so what about one who feels discontent as in your

case?

The real problem you face now is that this girl loves you and

respects you, and she is giving you all your rights and more. She has also

gotten pregnant from you.  If that were not the case, we would not hesitate

to advise you to leave her.

Even more unfortunate than that is the fact that her life has

been turned into an unbearable hell. She cannot help weeping when she thinks

of her situation and how her hopes of finding a husband with whom to share

love and happiness have been dashed.

Yes, this is something decreed by Allaah and a real fact that

we have to acknowledge and live with, namely that sometimes spouses do not

get along and divorce takes place, and the life of one or both of them is

wrecked as a result. You cannot live with all this pain except by means of

patience and seeking reward from Allaah, first of all, and secondly by

understanding the causes of failure. Hence you have your share of blame and

you have to bear part of the consequences of this matter, even if only a

little. You have to face up to the following:

1 – Try to live with this girl and put up with her as much as

possible. At least wait until the child is born, and perhaps things will

change and your hatred will turn to love.

2 – If your circumstances allow you to keep her whilst

looking for another wife who will make you happy and let you stay with your

first wife, and you can look after your children with her and spare them the

pain of separation and divorce, this is something that is worth thinking

about.

3 – If the solutions suggested above will not work; if the

matter is beyind your control and your hatred for her increases and you are

no longer able to live with her, then divorce is allowed in sharee’ah in

such cases.

The bitterness of divorce will be easier for her than the

ongoing misery of living with you, and perhaps she will find a husband with

whom she can be happy. And perhaps you will also find a wife with whom you

can be happy.

Divorce – even though it is disliked – is the solution when

husband and wife cannot live amicably together.

Try to think about these solutions, and think long and hard

about them. Do not be hasty. You should also turn to Allaah and ask Him to

guide you with regard to this matter, for He is close to His sincere slaves.

May Allaah help you and give you strength.

Dr Muhammad ibn ‘Abd al-Rahmaan al-Sa’wi

We remind you of the words of Allaah (interpretation of the

meaning):

“and live with them honourably. If you dislike them, it

may be that you dislike a thing and Allaah brings through it a great deal of

good”

[al-Nisa’ 4:19]

“and it may be that you dislike a thing which is good for

you”

[al-Baqarah 2:216]

And the Messenger of

Allaah (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “No believing

man should hate a believing woman. If he dislikes one of her characteristics

he will be pleased with another.” Narrated by Muslim, 1469.

What this means is that

it is not right for a believing man to hate a believing woman, because if he

notices a bad characteristic in her and dislikes her because of it, he will

find another, praiseworthy characteristic in her and will love her because

of it, such as if she is chaste or kind or obedient… etc.

This applies if she has some characteristics that do not please him, so how about if she is carrying out her duties towards him in the most complete manner?.