Aslam

Praise be to Allah.

Firstly:

Raising the children is a responsibility that is shared

between both parent. If there is a conflict or shortcoming in their

upbringing, that has a bad effect on the children, who will develop a bad

attitude and will be lost. Hence it is obligatory for the parents to raise

their children well and not to have any conflicts or shortcomings,

especially in front of the children. They should agree on the Islamic

educational means they will use to deal with their children’s mistakes. If

one parents thinks that there should be consequences for wrongdoing, but the

other disagrees and thinks that they should be easy-going, they should

discuss it and come to some agreement, so that the child will realize that

they have agreed to be easy-going because of the intercession of one parent,

so that he will have another chance to set himself straight. But if one of

them objects to the other in front of the child and speaks harshly and with

bad manners, this is wrong and will have a bad effect on the children.

The fact that the responsibility in raising children is

shared between the father and mother is indicated by the following:

1 –Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):

“O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families

against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are

(appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the

Commands they receive from Allaah, but do that which they are commanded”

[al-Tahreem 66:6]

2 – It was narrated that ‘Abd-Allaah ibn ‘Umar (may Allaah be

pleased with him) said: I heard the Messenger of Allaah (peace and

blessings of Allaah be upon him) say: “Each of you is a shepherd and each of

you is responsible for his flock. The ruler of the people is a shepherd and

is responsible for his flock. A man is the shepherd of his household and is

responsible for his flock. A woman is the shepherd of her husband’s house

and children and is responsible for her flock. The slave is the shepherd of

his master’s wealth and is responsible for it. Each of you is a shepherd and

each of you is responsible for his flock.”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (853) and Muslim (1829).

See also the answer to question no.

10016 for more

information.

Secondly:

The father’s responsibility for raising his child should be

his first priority. The man has wisdom, experience and strength and he can

speak with others to find the best means to raise his child. The salaf

(early generations of Islam) were very keen to be directly involved in

raising and disciplining their children. It is narrated that the ‘Abbaasi

caliph al-Mansoor sent word to those of Banu Umayyah who were in prison to

ask them: What is the hardest thing for you in this prison? They said: What

we have missed out on of raising our children.

Some fathers think that raising their children and fulfilling

this trust is achieved by giving them food, drink, clothing and shelter, but

this is a false notion that is far removed from the laws of Allaah.

Shaykh Ibn Baaz (may Allaah have mercy on him) said:

Treating daughters and the like kindly means giving them an

Islamic education, teaching them and raising them to follow the truth,

striving to keep them chaste and keeping them away from that which Allaah

has forbidden of wanton display and the like,  as also applies to raising

sisters and male children, and other kinds of kind treatment, so that

everyone will be raised to be obedient to Allaah and His Messenger and to

keep away from that which Allaah has forbidden, and to do their duty towards

Allaah, may He be glorified and exalted. Hence it is known that what is

meant by kind treatment is not just providing food, drink and clothing,

rather the meaning is more general than that and includes treating them

kindly in both religious and worldly terms.

Majmoo’ Fataawa wa Maqaalaat al-Shaykh Ibn Baaz

(4/377)

Thirdly:

The most important thing on which you should focus is

teaching your children sound Islamic belief (‘aqeedah), the rulings of

sharee’ah and good morals. This is more important than anything else, but it

does not mean that they should not study other worldly sciences, so long

as the study environment is acceptable and there is no mixing with girls or

studying in Christian missionary schools or studying kaafir (non-Muslim)or corrupt

material.

In Fatwa no. 4172, issued on 4/12/1401 AH by the Standing

Committee for Academic Research and Issuing Fatwas in the Kingdom of Saudi

Arabia, it says:

Fourthly: All Muslims must pay attention to teaching

children, both male and female, true Islam with its beliefs, rulings, morals

and etiquette. It is not permissible for educational programs to be devoid of that or to mix  Islamic teachings with any other false beliefs, views or

opinions.

Fifthly: Every Muslim should realize that Allaah has

appointed him as a shepherd and that Allaah will ask him about this trust

that He has given to him. If he has fulfilled it in the best possible way

and has been sincere, then praise be to Allaah, but if it is otherwise then

he has no one to blame but himself. Allaah says (interpretation of the

meaning):  “O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families

against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones” [al-Tahreem 966:6].

And the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “Each

of you is a shepherd and each of you is responsible for his flock.” And he

(peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) also said: “There is no one

whom Allaah appoints in charge of a flock and he dies being insincere

towards his flock, but Allaah will forbid paradise to him.” End quote.

This responsibility should be shared with regard to teaching

and guiding, each according to his abilities, and Allaah does not burden any

soul beyond its scope. It is not permissible for the father to throw the

burden of teaching the child on the mother’s shoulders and then become a

mere spectator or become heedless about his child’s upbringing nor is it

permissible for the mother to do the same thing. It is a shared

responsibility to discipline and teach the child. If the father is working

hard and the mother has no other job, then her share of the burden will be

heavier, and vice versa. They should consult one another and discuss matters

so that the mission will be fulfilled in the best possible way, but the

basic principle with regard to discipline is that the one who is in charge

and bears most responsibility is the father, not the mother.

Shaykh Muhammad ibn Saalih al-‘Uthaymeen (may Allaah have

mercy on him) said:

Sons and daughters have a shepherd to take care of them, when

they are small, and the one who takes care of them and directs their affairs

is their father or older brother. “The man is the shepherd of his household

and is responsible for his flock.” Guardians and shepherds of households

must direct their families to worship Allaah and to be keen to seek

knowledge. They should encourage their children and say, “Come, my son, what have you memorized (of Qur’aan) today? Recite to me what you have

memorized,” so that he will be encouraged and he will know that there is

someone following up on him. The same may be said of daughters: encourage

them and teach them to seek knowledge and act upon it. Be approachable, do

not be like some fathers who are like planks of wood in their houses, they

do not do anything. Each man is responsible for his family and flock.

Al-Liqa’ al-Shahri (67).

Fourthly:

We advise our sister not to go out of her house except with

the permission and approval of her husband, not even to learn or teach

Qur’aan, because obedience to one's husband is obligatory and going out of

the house without one’s husband’s permission is haram (impermissible). Putting pressure on

him to make him let her go out is also not permissible. Do not open a door

to evil by going out in this way. You can divide your time between teaching

your son and learning yourself. Then convince your husband of this division

of time. We think that he will appreciate this move on your part and it will

be a means of working out both issues.

You should note that your husband is not sinning by preventing you from going out to halaqahs (circles of learning)for memorizing Qur’aan. It is a sin only if he prevents you from going out to pray in the mosque or to learn essential knowledge that you cannot learn at home. Allaah has made it easy for people to learn, a woman can read books or listen to tapes on all kinds of knowledge. There is nothing to prevent her from benefiting from modern means of learning. She will never get more by going out than she will get in

her house, if she wants that. You could also hold a halaqah for sisters to

memorize Qur’aan and seek knowledge in your own house, with no need to go

out.

Whatever the case, do whatever you can to help take care of

your son and teach him, treat your husband kindly and do what Allaah has

enjoined upon you towards him, and you will see that bear fruits for

yourself, your husband and your children, in sha Allaah.

Fifthly:

Our advice to the husband is also to treat his wife kindly.

The Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: “The best

of you is the best of you to his wife.” Narrated by al-Tirmidhi (3895);

classed as saheeh by al-Albaani in Silsilat al-Ahaadeeth al-Saheehah

(385).

If he thinks that her going out to the daar al-tahfeez is

beneficial for her, and this benefit extends to her children and to the

household as a whole, then why would he deprive her of that goodness? It is

also affecting the relationship between him and her because she thinks that

he is denying her something that would be beneficial for her. The life

between them should be based on mutual understanding and shared

responsibility, and keenness on the part of both for that which benefits the

other.

You (the husband) should understand that your trying to make

your wife happy and helping her in something that does not constitute

disobedience towards Allaah will bring benefits to you and your children

too. We ask Allaah to join you together in goodness and to help you both to

do that which will benefit you in this world and in the Hereafter.

Sixthly:

There follow some comments by experts in the field explaining

the shared role of the father and mother in raising and teaching children: a

mother said, objecting: why does the husband accuse his wife of falling

short and neglect if the son does not achieve high grades, when he himself

is forgetting his duties that are essential with regard to this matter?

Dr. Muhammad Abu Daff, a professor of education in the

Islamic University of Gaza said:

Both the father and the mother have to cooperate with regard

to this matter. The father should make up for the shortcomings that the

mother cannot because she is too busy or because she does not have

sufficient knowledge of that particular subject.

Dr. Abu Daff emphasized the importance of fathers playing an

effective role in following up on their children’s studies so that they will

feel that it is important.

He attributed the reason why fathers try to evade

responsibility to some negative ideas in their mind which says that the

educational role is part of the mother’s job like any other job within the

home, and he continued: This is a grievous error, because this educational

responsibility needs the cooperation of both spouses. The father has to

understand that his role is not only outside the house in order to provide

food and the necessities of life, rather he has an important role to play in

the house as well, which includes teaching the children. It is not to be

taken lightly.

And he urged fathers to understand this point and to realize their responsibilities in this area so as to avoid conflicts that may have a bad effect on the family and the children.

Professor Usaamah al-Muzayni, a lecturer in the College of

Education in the Islamic University, said: The father has to follow up on

his children’s studies and make it an important priority.

He also said: Your wife is your life partner, and by taking

the responsibility of teaching the children and following up on their schoolwork, you will have fulfilled your role in their shared

responsibility. Otherwise ask yourself: What is my role? Remember that there is something more important that just providing material comforts to children, and that is to take an interest in their academic future.

And Allaah knows best.