Aslam

Praise be to Allah.The mother’s rights over

her children are great, and Islam has enjoined the children to fulfil these

rights, and it regards disobedience to parents as a major sin.

The details of the mother’s

rights and her duties are explained in the answer to question no.

5053.

The mother whose daughter

has got married should realize that it is not permissible for her daughter

to give precedence to obeying her mother over obeying her husband, and she

(the mother) should understand that it is not permissible for her to

interfere in her daughter’s life after marriage, unless she is asked to

intervene in order to bring about a reconciliation or to offer advice and

guidance.

The mother’s interference

in her married daughter’s life has both negative and positive effects. The

positive effects include what the wise mother does of guiding her daughter

to things that will improve her life, whether that guidance comes before her

daughter gets married or after.

Undoubtedly the mother’s

experience of life and her compassion towards her daughter will motivate her

to offer advice to her daughter who does not have the same experience and

wisdom in dealing with a husband.

But the mother’s

interference in her married daughter’s life may also have negative effects,

the most serious of which is a case in which her interference leads to her

daughter being divorced, when the husband sees that his wife is not obeying

him and he has no position of control over her, and that his wife’s mother

is the one who tells his wife what to do and what not to do, which leads to

the destruction of her daughter’s marriage.

It is not permissible for

the daughter to go along with her mother when she asks her for private

information, even if that will make her angry with her, for obedience to

Allaah comes before obedience to anyone else, and it is not permissible to

give precedence to the wrath of anyone else over the wrath of Allaah, may He

be exalted.

Undoubtedly there are

reasons for this interference on the part of the wife’s mother. These

reasons include the following:

1 – The mother’s strong

personality, and her husband’s weak character, so that she is the one who

makes decisions in the home, and she wants to transfer this to her

daughter’s home too.

2 –Weak character of both

her daughter’s husband and her daughter, which gives the mother the

opportunity to play a major role in directing the affairs of her daughter’s

household. The mother thinks that running the household needs a strong hand

and that the couple are unable to run their home, so she takes charge.

3 – Impassioned feelings

towards her daughter, which makes her ask about her food, drink, medicine

and sicknesses, and how her husband is treating her; it may even make her

overstep the mark and ask about intimate details of married life, including

love and sex!

4 – Husband’s mistreatment

of his wife, which leads the mother to intervene in matters great and small,

so as to make the husband behave himself and ensure that the wife is given

her rights.

5 – Frequent visits on the

daughter’s part to her mother, and being in touch with her a great deal. In

most of these visits etc the mother cannot find anything to talk about

except finding out what is going on in her daughter’s house.

In order to solve the

problem of the mother interfering in her married daughter’s life in ways

that may spoil her life, she and her husband should pay attention to a

number of things, including the following:

1 – Direct advice from the

daughter or her husband to the mother not to interfere in their lives,

telling her that this is not permissible for her, and that this interference

may lead to the couple splitting up.

2 – Telling the father (the

mother’s husband) that he must stop his wife from interfering in the life of

her daughter and her husband.

3 – Hinting to the mother,

or even warning her, that if she continues to interfere in their lives, then

the husband will stop her from visiting her daughter or getting in touch

with her, and he will also stop his wife and children from visiting her

mother. This will clearly demonstrate the strength of character of the

husband and wife, and it will prevent the mother from interfering in a

negative way in their lives.

4 – It is essential that

the couple work out together how to deal with this problem and that neither

of them tries to solve it on his or her own without the other. This problem

concerns both parties, so it needs a common strategy to deal with it.

5 – They should consult the

mother with regard to some matters, and ask for her advice, so that the

relationship between them will remain within shar’i limits, and so that she

will know that her involvement is not rejected completely, and that they may

need her in some cases. This will give her confidence and maintain contact,

whilst preventing negative interference.

6 – Reducing the number of

visits and contact with the mother, and when the visit does take place,

there should be a focus on talking about useful things, advice and reminders

to do acts of obedience, and avoid sins and bad deeds.

We ask Allaah to set your

affairs straight and to guide you all to that which pleases Him.

And Allaah is the Source of

strength.